Wednesday, 26 May 2010

OFFENSIVE. BUT FUNNY

Ken Berwitz

I just received this email, and I'm passing it along to you.

It is offensive.  And funny as hell.  This time funny wins out, so here it is:

Drinking with an Arizona Girl

 

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.  

 

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' 


free` I got an email yesterday that was pretty funny. Truths For Mature Humans 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. 22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. 24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? 29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! (05/26/10)

Janet Montgomery Tee Hee : ) (05/26/10)


THE OIL RIG DISASTER: OBAMESMERIZED NO MORE

Ken Berwitz

Excerpted from an article in today's USA Today:

May 26, 2010

Poll: Majority give Obama, feds failing grade on oil spill response

04:00 PM

 

The oil spill off the Gulf Coast is staining more than Louisiana's beaches.

 

The response to the disaster by energy giant BP, President Obama and the federal government all get terrible grades from Americans in a USA TODAY/Gallup Poll.

 

Nearly three-fourths of those surveyed Monday and Tuesday say BP is doing a "poor" or "very poor" job in handling the calamity. Six of 10 say that of the federal government. And a 53% majority give Obama a poor rating.

Translation:  It took a while but this country is waking up.

As Louisiana's marshlands (among many other parts of the Gulf shoreline) are decimated, people have started, in large numbers, to realize that the all Obama & Co. seem able to do about it is point fingers.

Is this mostly BP's fault and should they bear the major responsibility (and cost) for cleaning up this mess?   Yes. 

But is this our shoreline and is the Obama administration absolutely useless when it comes to protecting it?  Same answer:  yes.

I've read that Obama press secretary "Baghdad Bob" Gibbs has been whining that the press is harping too much on the Obama administration's responsibility in this disaster.  Me?  I think they're only scratching the surface.  When is Gibbs pressured to answer even the most4 basic questions -- like these:

-Was there any plan in place to address the possibility of a major oil leak?

-If not, WHY not?

-If so, why has it yielded zero results?

How about starting there, Bob? 

Zeke .... .... As said in management seminars, "What makes one successful at one level is exactly what makes them a failure at the next higher level" .... .... .... Obama was very good in using his PR skills to be a successful community organizer. Once he got into state and national lawmaking, he just ducked down, voting "Present". .... .... .... He has never had to be RESPONSIBLE for anything. .... He is totally lost in situations where his "pretty face" skills do not matter. ... .... The oil in Louisiana, the tyrants we face (Iran, North Korea, al Q'aida, etc) are not deterred by the Teleprompter-Powered-Pretty-Face. (05/26/10)


THE CENSUS JOB SCAM

Ken Berwitz

Do you want to be good and mad?  Then read this, from John Crudele at the New York Post.  You will be:

You know the old saying: "Everyone loves a charade." Well, it seems that the Census Bureau may be playing games.

Last week, one of the millions of workers hired by Census 2010 to parade around the country counting Americans blew the whistle on some statistical tricks.

 

The worker, Naomi Cohn, told The Post that she was hired and fired a number of times by Census. Each time she was hired back, it seems, Census was able to report the creation of a new job to the Labor Department.

 

Below, I have a couple more readers who worked for Census 2010 and have tales to tell.

 

But first, this much we know.

 

Each month Census gives Labor a figure on the number of workers it has hired. That figure goes into the closely followed monthly employment report Labor provides. For the past two months the hiring by Census has made up a good portion of the new jobs.

 

Labor doesn't check the Census hiring figure or whether the jobs are actually new or recycled. It considers a new job to have been created if someone is hired to work at least one hour a month.

 

One hour! A month! So, if a worker is terminated after only one hour and another is hired in her place, then a second new job can apparently be reported to Labor . (I've been unable to get Census to explain this to me.)

 

Here's a note from a Census worker -- this one from Manhattan:

 

"John: I am on my fourth rehire with the 2010 Census.

 

"I have been hired, trained for a week, given a few hours of work, then laid off. So my unemployed self now counts for four new jobs.

 

"I have been paid more to train all four times than I have been paid to actually produce results. These are my tax dollars and your tax dollars at work.

 

"A few months ago I was trained for three days and offered five hours of work counting the homeless. Now, I am knocking (on) doors trying to find the people that have not returned their Census forms. I worked the 2000 Census. It was a far more organized venture.

 

"Have to run and meet my crew leader, even though with this rain I did not work today. So I can put in a pay sheet for the hour or hour and a half this meeting will take. Sincerely, C.M."

 

And here's another:

 

"John: I worked for (Census) and I was paid $18.75 (an hour) just like Ms. Naomi Cohn from your article.

"I worked for about six weeks or so and I picked the hours I wanted to work. I was checking the work of others. While I was classifying addresses, another junior supervisor was checking my work.

 

"In short, we had a "checkers checking checkers" quality control. I was eventually let go and was told all the work was finished when, in fact, other people were being trained for the same assignment(s).

 

"I was re-hired about eight months later and was informed that I would have to go through one week of additional training.

 

"On the third day of training, I got sick and visited my doctor. I called my supervisor and asked how I can make up the class. She informed me that I was 'terminated.' She elaborated that she had to terminate three other people for being five minutes late to class.

 

"I did get two days' pay and I am sure the 'late people' got paid also. I think you would concur that this is an expensive way to attempt to control sickness plus lateness. I am totally convinced that the Census work could be very easily done by the US Postal Service.

 

"When I was trying to look for an address or had a question about a building, I would ask the postman on the beat. They knew the history of the route and can expand in detail who moved in or out etc. I have found it interesting that if someone works one hour, they are included in the labor statistics as a new job being full.

 

"I am not surprised that you can't get any answers from Census staff; I found there were very few people who knew the big picture. M.G."

 

When I received my Census form in the mail, I filled it out. Nobody had to knock on my door.

 

I answered truthfully about the number of people living in my household. But I could have just as easily dou bled the number. Why not? Didn't Census ad vertisements imply that my community would get more federal money if the popula tion were larger?

 

I'm glad people are finding work with the Census. For some it's the only work they have had this year and the chump change they are making for a few hours' work is a godsend.

 

But wasting taxpayers' money on busywork isn't going to do much for the economy.

If that doesn't anger you I don't know what will.

And let's not forget the masive job-creation fraud we have already seen from the Obama administration.  Before media stopped counting, it included tens of thousands of jobs that didn't exist. A ton that were saved (whatever that means), thus unquantifiable, a ton more from congressional districts that do not even exist ---- and now this new fraud is added to the pile.

How can you believe anything the Obama administration says?


PAUL OLDEN: ANONYMOUSLY BLACK

Ken Berwitz

Did you know that Paul Olden, who has replaced the legendary Bob Shepard as Yankee Stadium's announcer, is Black?

Personally, I didn't know until recently.  That is because Mr. Olden was selected with no fanfare and no P.R. about his skin color whatsoever;  only because he is good at what he does.

This is not the first time that the New York Yankees have done this.  When Bill White was hired in 1971 he became, I am reasonably sure, the first Black play by play announcer in the major leagues.  But, as with Mr. Olden, Mr. White wasn't thrust at us as some kind of trophy hire.  He was picked because he was good (and was he ever!) without any special  mention of his skin color. 

The "anonymously Black" way Bill White was hired made me proud to be a Yankee fan then, as the "anonymously Black" way Paul Olden was hired makes me proud to be a Yankee fan now.

That is the way it should be. I absolutely love it.


ART LINKLETTER: R.I.P.

Ken Berwitz

One of the all time greats of broadcast media has left us.

Art Linkletter died today in Los Angeles, at the age of 97.  No specific cause of death was announced (not that I saw, anyway).

Mr. Linkletter's career ran almost the entire length of broadcast history.  He started on radio in the early 1030's, while still a college student.  He was enormously successful on radio, with his seminal "People Are Funny" show starting in 1942, and seamlessly transferred that show, and others as well (Art Linkletter's House Party prime among them) to television.

Mr. Linkletter also was a prolific, highly successful author.  He wrote 23 books, with his biggest best-seller being "Kids Say The Darnedest Things", which sold millions of copies.  Wow.

He is also the only man who ever hosted 5 - count 'em, 5 - network TV shows at the same time.

In his "spare time", Mr. Linkletter was a tireless volunteer for a variety of humanitarian causes, such as Goodwill, Easter Seals and the Heart Foundation.

Mr. Linkletter was married one time, to his beloved wife Lois - who actually survives him.  November 25th would have been their 75th wedding anniversary.

Regarding their children, the Linkletters had tragedy after tragedy.  Three of his five children died prematurely:  a daughter committed suicide at the age of 20, a son died in a car crash and another son died of cancer.

I hope he is with them all now.

May Art Linkletter rest in peace.  If any man deserved it, he's the one.

Derek (a.k.a. gumstick) 1030. Yes, he truly breathed life into the story of Edward the Confessor. ;) He was truly a great. No one riding the waves today can hold a candle to him. R.I.P. (05/26/10)


BIPARTISAN BS

Ken Berwitz

Barack Obama's new tactic:  telling a receptive (i.e. left-wing) audience that he has been the picture of bipartisanship, but that Republicans have spurned that bipartisanship for political reasons.

Does this seem to fly in the face of everything you know about the Obama presidency?  Does it seem to deny the fact that he and his lopsidedly Democratic congress - with virtually no Republican input allowed -  have passed  legislation that puts the USA into hopeless debt while moving us closer and closer to a social-democrat pararise like, say, Greece? 

If that's the way it seems to you, congratulations are in order.  You are seeing things clearly.

Here, excerpted from Carol E. Lee's blog at politico.com, is Mr. Obama's fantasy:

SAN FRANCISCO President Barack Obama traveled to one of the most liberal enclaves in the country to deliver some of his harshest criticism yet of the Republican Party attacking the GOP on points where Democrats sense vulnerability, such as energy legislation and immigration reform.

Noting that sometimes conservative activists portray him with a Hitler moustache, Obama seemed to put to rest any notion that there could be broad-based bipartisan cooperation something he promised to try to bring to Washington during his 2008 campaign.

There are members of their base who think if somebody even smiles at me, they think, Youre a traitor. You smiled at Obama, the president said at fundraiser for Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.). The day has passed when I expected this to be a full partnership.

There is hardly any room for cooperation in the Republican Party, Obama said.

At the same time, he said he understands why the GOP is sitting on the sidelines.

Politically it hasnt been bad for them, he said an apparent reference to the Republicans expected gains in the midterm congressional elections this fall.

By the way, did Mr. Obama, or the folks at this "liberal enclave", ever protest the hitler moustaches drawn on pictures of President Bush continuously for 8 years?  I don't recall that they did. 

And that is before we get to the fact that the people doing this ugly, disgusting hitler comparison, are individuals.  Jerks, but individuals, and not Republican legislators from either house of congress.  Thus this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Obama administration's lack of bipartisanship.

In short, this is another hot steamy load from Barack Obama.  A load being dumped out by a Chicago machine politician, in way over his head, who desperately needs to divert us from the truth.

If the poll data are correct, it seems to be working less and less.  Hallelujah.


JACKASS JOE STRIKES AGAIN

Ken Berwitz

He didn't say that, did he?

Well, yeah.  He did.

Excerpted from an article at CNN (among many others):

"I was not in Vietnam. I don't want to make a Blumenthal mistake here. Our attorney general from Connecticut, God love him," said Biden, according to a pool report of a Tuesday night at an event at the vice president's residence for wounded troops.

I'm sure Republicans everywhere thank Mr. Biden for reminding us all, vividly, that Richard Blumenthal is a liar.

Not for nothing do I call him Jackass Joe.

Zeke ..... ... This man is one heartbeat away from being President. .... .... .... Should we show more respect, and refer to him as First Jackass ? ? .... .... (05/27/10)

Ken Berwitz zeke - thanks for the laugh (rueful as it was). (05/27/10)


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