Wednesday, 06 May 2009

THE PENAL-TY OF CHEATING WITH YOUR SECRETARY

Ken Berwitz

If this doesn't (you should pardon the word) come under the heading of "You Can't Make This Stuff Up", nothing does.

From the amazingly appropriately-named Sin Chew Daily (and China Press):

Secretary accidentally bites of boss's penis

 

Tue, May 5th, 2009

The Star/Asia News

Network

 

A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.

 

Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.

 

The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover's organ.

 

The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

 

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.

 

The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.

'On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.

 

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,' he said.

 

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

 

The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.

-I guess she wanted a raise and he wanted a rise.

-I've heard of being caught red-handed.  But red-mouthed?

-SHE screamed?  What about HIM?

-Her excuse was that he asked her to take a dictation and she just didn't hear it clearly.

Ok, I'm finished now.  The next bad jokes are yours.


A TEST FOR OLD-TIMERS

Ken Berwitz

My pal Bob just sent me this test.  It asks 20 questions that looked easy to me (I got them all right, I swear), but apparently are not, since the average score is 12 right.  As the introduction suggests, being an old-timer is a real advantage.

See how you do.  The answers are posted at the bottom -- and NO PEEKING!!!!

MEMORY TEST!

 This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 It
 will help if you are over 60! This one will be difficult for the younger
 set 

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

 A. Flintstones vitamins
 B. The Buttmaster
 C. Spaghetti
 D. Wonder Bread
 E. Orange Juice
 F. Milk
 G. Cod Liver Oil

 2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

 A. Sugar Ray Robinson
 B. Roy Orbison
 C. Gene Autry
 D. Rudolph Valentino
 E. Fabian
 F. Mickey Mantle
 G. Cassius Clay

 3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

 A. It's you
 B. He is us
 C. It's the Grinch
 D. He wasn't home
 E. He's really mean
 F We quit
 G. He surrendered

 4. Good night David.

 A. Good night Chet
 B. Sleep well
 C. Good night Irene
 D Good night Gracie
 E. See you later alligator
 F. Until tomorrow
 G Good night Steve

 5.. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

 A. When you use Tide
 B. When you lose your crayons
 C. When you clean your tub
 D. If you paint the room blue
 E. If you buy a soft water tank
 F. When you use Lady Clairol
 G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

 6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
 friend...

 A. Stuart Whitman
 B. Randolph Scott
 C. Steve Reeves
 D. Maynard G. Krebs
 E. Corky B. Dork
 F. Dave the Whale
 G. Zippy Zoo

 7. Liar, liar...

 A. You're a liar
 B. Your nose is growing
 C. Pants on fire
 D. Join the choir
 E. Jump up higher
 F. On the wire
 G. I'm telling Mom

 8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for
 truth, justice and...

 A. Wheaties
 B. Lois Lane
 C. TV ratings
 D. World peace
 E. Red tights
 F. The American way
 G. News headlines

 9. Hey kids! What time is it?

 A. It's time for Yogi Bear
 B. It's time to do your homework
 C. It's Howdy Doody Time
 D. It's Time for Romper Room
 E. It's bedtime
 F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
 G. Scoopy Doo Time

 10. Lions and tigers and bears...

 A. Yikes
 B. Oh no
 C. Gee whiz
 D. I'm scared
 E. Oh my
 F. Help! Help!
 G. Let's run

 11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

 A. Over 40
 B. Wearing a uniform
 C. Carrying a briefcase
 D. Over 30
 E. You don't know
 F. Who says, 'Trust me'
 G. Who eats tofu

 12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...

 A. Troy Aikman
 B. Kenny Stabler
 C. Joe Namath
 D. Roger Stauback
 E. Joe Montana
 F. Steve Young
 G. John Elway

 13. Brylcream...

 A. Smear it on
 B. You'll smell great
 C. Tame that cowlick
 D. Grease ball heaven
 E. It's a dream
 F. We're your team
 G. A little dab'll do ya

 14. I found my thrill...

 A. In Blueberry muffins
 B. With my man, Bill
 C.. Down at the mill
 D. Over the windowsill
 E. With thyme and dill
 F. T oo late to enjoy
 G. On Blueberry Hill

 15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

 A. Clark Gable
 B. Mary Martin
 C. Doris Day
 D. Errol Flynn
 E. Sally Fields
 F. Jim Carey
 G. Jay Leno

 16. Name the Beatles...

 A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
 B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
 C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
 D Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
 E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
 F Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
 G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

 17. I wonder, wonder, who..

 A. Who ate the le ftovers?
 B. Who did the laundry?
 C. Was it you?
 D Who wrote the book of love?
 E. Who I am?
 F. Passed the test?
 G. Knocked on the door?

 18. I'm strong to the finish...

 A. Cause I eats my broccoli
 B. Cause I eats me spinach
 C Cause I lift weights
 D. Cause I'm the hero
 E. And don't you forget it
 F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
 G. To outlast Bruto

 19.. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

 A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
 B. Smile, you're on Star Search
 C. Smile, you won the lottery
 D. Smile, we're watching you
 E. Smile, the world sees you
 F. Smile, you're a hit
 G. Smile, you're on TV

 20. What do M & M's do?

 A. Make your tummy happy
 B.. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
 C. Make you fat
 D. Melt your heart
 E. Make you popular
 F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
 G. Come in colors

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

ANSWERS

 1.. D - Wonder Bread
 2. G - Cassius Clay
 3. B - He Is Us
 4. A - Good night, Chet
 5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
 6. D - Maynard G. Krebs
 7. C - Pants On Fire
 8. F - The American Way
 9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
 10. E - Oh My
 11. D - Over 30
 12. C - Joe Namath
 13. G - A little dab'll do ya
 14. G - On Blueberry Hill
 15. B - Mary Martin
 16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
 17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
 18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
 19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
 20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

BOBW I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT AT MY SOURCE AT THE NY TIMES THE FOLLOWING SCORES OF INTEREST- JOE THE SCHMO BIDEN- 2- HE PEEKED AT EVERY ANSWER BUT COULD NOT REMEMBER THEM NANCY THE RECTUM PELOSI- 1.5- SHE CHEATED BY ASKING HARRY- THE ASS REED - PRESIDENT- NOBAMA- GOT 9- THE TELEPROMPER DIED AFTER THE 9TH QUESTION (05/07/09)


ELEANOR SQUILLARI & SHARON WATKINS

Ken Berwitz

Do you remember the name Sharon Watkins?  Unless you worked for Enron, the answer is probably no.  So let me refresh your memory.  Sharon Watkins was hailed as the "whistleblower" who blew open the Enron scandal. 

In reality, however, the only "whistleblowing" she did was to write an internal memo warning ken lay that there were discrepancies in the company's financial reports which could cause a lot of trouble for him and the rest of the Enron thieves.

Ms. Watkins' motives in writing that memo will never be known for certain.  So if you want to believe she did so out of honor and conscience, be my guest.  But I don't. 

I believe that one of two things is true:  either Sharon Watkins' was lucky beyond belief to have inadvertently written a memo which could be thought of this way, or she intentionally wrote the memo to cover her backside while warning lay that he had to recook the books to make them look better, 

If Sharon Watkins were a real whistleblower, concerned about the wrongdoing at Enron, she'd have gone public.  That's what real whistleblowers do.  They go public.  She wouldn't have written an internal memo which gave a heads-up to the person(s) she supposedly was blowing the whistle on.

But because of that memo, Ms. Watkins escaped being lumped with ken lay, jeffrey skilling and the other Enron thieves.  Instead, she was celebrated as a hero - she was even one of the three Time Magazine "people of the year" in 2002.

Funny how these things happen, isn't it?

Well, today we have another "Sharon Watkins" in the news.  Her name is Eleanor Squillari. 

Eleanor Squillari was bernard madoff's secretary for over 20 years.  She had a front row seat for everything that went on in that office.  I can't come up with any possible scenario in which she would not have known what madoff was up to.

But when the FBI came for him?  Ms. Squillari was as pure as the driven snow.  Yet, she knew everything about everything.  Like magic, she was the most willing accomplice the FBI ever had.  The things she could tell you about bernie!  And tell she has --- in a Vanity Fair article and, now, on every TV show she can find.  Eleanor Squillari knows it all.  His personality, his habits, his vices, how he orchestrated his arrest, etc. etc. etc.

From Vanity Fairs web site:

The aftermath of Bernies arrest

 

In the days after her husbands arrest, Ruth Madoff called Squillari multiple times and encouraged the secretary to provide her with certain information without notifying the bankruptcy trustees, which Squillari said she couldnt do. Instead, I told the F.B.I. what had just happened. I was working for them now, not for Ruth and Bernie Madoff.

 

Looking back on things, Squillari believes Madoff meticulously planned out the particulars of his arrest. She believes he wanted the F.B.I. to find the appointment book he left on his desk, and he wanted his sons to find the $173 million in checks made out to certain employees and friends that prosecutors cited when trying to revoke his bail (he never actually intended to send them out, Squillari says).

Now why would ruth madoff ask Eleanor Squillari for information that would be of interest to bankruptcy trustees?  Because she didn't have access to it?  Because she didn't know what was going on?

And how would Squillari know about those checks?  Because she was out of the loop?

Look, I can't prove any of this.  I can't prove that Eleanor Squillari was, at the very least, complicit in madoff's fraud and deception - maybe even part of it.  But, looking at the facts, it's the only common-sense conclusion I see.

Ms. Squillari?  Meet Ms. Watkins.  You two should have a lot to talk about.


CARVILLE & BEGALA: DEMOCRATIC GOOD WILL AMBASSADORS

Ken Berwitz

If you pay attention to our wonderful "neutral" media, you "know" that Republicans are mean-spirited and offensive. 

This being the case, I would like to show you an email my wife got today, purportedly written by those fun-loving, inoffensive good will ambassadors of the Democratic party;  co-winners of the Mr. Congeniality contest themselves, james carville and paul begala:.

Dear (NAME),

You would think that watching 14 of your colleagues lose their seats in the last four years would get Republicans in the Senate to change their behavior.  

You would be wrong.  They still don't get the message.

As you are reading this, Limbaugh-lockstep Republicans are attacking the qualifications of everyone who might possibly be mentioned as a potential Supreme Court justice. Heck, these guys would attack King Solomon for being an activist judge.   

 

This type of knee-jerk permanent attack may gin up the Republican base, but it doesn't do anything to make America safer, fairer, or more prosperous.  President Obama isn't going to take the bait, and we can't take the chance that with one more vote, Republicans could bring progress to a screeching halt.

In that fight, you are the difference.  With your support, the DSCC will have the early money and the early momentum to keep Republicans from halting our hard-won progress.   They aren't waiting and neither can we.

Please click here to contribute $5 or more to build the foundation to protect the Senators we have, and elect new ones who get the message that Americans want to see progress from Washington.  

President Obama has made clear that he will only name someone who is supremely qualified to the Supreme Court.  And even thought he hasn't even nominated anyone yet, Republicans are still on the attack. They're boxing at shadows, tilting at windmills, and it would be almost comical if they weren't so hell-bent on destroying careers and reputations in the process.

This is the kind of behavior the Democratic majority is working to end.  But to do that, they need your help.  In the last four years, the DSCC has helped elect 14 new Democratic Senators.  Your support gives them the early money and the early momentum they need to build on that record of accomplishment.

Please click here to contribute $5 or more. Your contribution will help the DSCC lay the groundwork for a stronger majority in 2010, and tear down the remaining Republican barriers to true change and progress in Washington.

When the Supreme Court hangs in the balance, so do a lot of other things - women's rights and workers' rights and civil rights.  

Everyone talks about a Supreme Court "battle."  But if we protect and elect Democratic Senators, those things won't have to be a battle at all.  With your help and continued support of the DSCC, they will be victories, won and secured.

Thanks for standing strong,


James and Paul

PS -  Right now, the Republican bark is a lot worse than its bite.  But there's still some bite left.  If we want to truly, fully, and completely defang the Republican opposition, we need to elect leaders who are willing to make progress for America.  Those are the leaders the DSCC is using your generosity to support.  Please contribute today.


Let's see:  Limbaugh-lockstep Republicans, they would attack King Solomon, knee-jerk permanent attacks, gin up the base, boxing at shadows, tilting at windmills, hell-bent on destroying careers and reputations, etc.

Do these attacks qualify as mean-spirited and offensive? 

Well, there is a "D" after the names carville and begala.  So the answer, to most of our media, is no:  as demonstrated by the fact that I guarantee you have not heard a thing about this email from the networks - morning or evening news - or most major dailies. 

It sure is a lot easier when the referee is on your side.

But listen to them squeal like stuck pigs if you call them biased.


STIMULUS PACKAGE ACCOUNTABILITY: CHARLIE BROWN AND THE FOOTBALL

Ken Berwitz

Remember that classic "Peanuts" comic strip that was shown in one form or another at the beginning of every football season?  The one in which Lucy conned Charlie Brown into trying to kick the football but then pulled it away at the last second so that he wound up flat on his backside?

Please pretend that you are Charlie Brown, Barack Obama is Lucy, and the stimulus package is the football. 

Ok, good.  Now read the following excerpt from an article about the stimulus package in this morning's USA Today:

Details thin on stimulus contracts

 

By Matt Kelley, USA TODAY

 

WASHINGTON Although President Obama has vowed that citizens will be able to track "every dime" of the $787 billion stimulus bill, a government website dedicated to the spending won't have details on contracts and grants until October and may not be complete until next spring halfway through the program, administration officials said.

 

Recovery.gov now lists programs being funded by the stimulus money, but provides no details on who received the grants and contracts. Agencies won't report that data until Oct. 10, according to Earl Devaney, chairman of the Recovery Accountability and Transparency Board, which manages the website.

 

Devaney told a House subcommittee Tuesday that it will be a challenge to have the site ready to present spending data in five months. He said after the hearing that the board doesn't have enough data storage capacity, for example.

 

Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia, a Republican serving on the House Science and Technology subcommittee, criticized the administration's decision to require reporting of only the first two recipients of stimulus spending. Broun said that means if the money goes to a state and then a city, the identities of the city's contractors will be unavailable.

 

Devaney said that after the first data become available in October, the board will wait six to nine months for the White House Office of Management and Budget to issue new guidance on how far down the spending chain the money must be tracked. "I'm going to push them for as much data as possible," he said.

Do you trust this administration to control almost a trillion dollars of taxpayer money without any accounting of where it's going -- after it promises you will be able to track "every dime" but you now find out that you can't? 

If so, stop pretending that you are Charlie Brown.  There isn't any need to.  You are Charlie Brown.


OBAMA AND ISRAEL: UPDATE:

Ken Berwitz

I dedicate this post to the supporters of Israel, especially the Jewish supporters of Israel, who voted for Barack Obama.

From the Times of London (the bold print is mine):

Barack Obama hints at tougher line on Israel

 

Tom Baldwin in Washington

The Obama Administration has signalled a tougher approach towards Israel ahead of fresh talks on the Middle East peace process by insisting it must endorse the creation of an independent Palestinian state.

Israel has to work toward a two-state solution, declared Vice-President Joe Biden today in a speech to the annual conference of a powerful pro-Israel lobby group in Washington.

Youre not going to like my saying this, he warned the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (Aipac) before adding that the Jewish state should not build any more settlements on Palestinian territory, and should dismantle existing outposts and allow Palestinians freedom of movement.

President Obama later held a White House meeting with Shimon Peres, his Israeli counterpart, who holds a largely ceremonial position. But the US Administrations message appeared to be addressed to the new right-wing Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, who is due to visit the White House on May 18.

Mr Netanyahu has dismayed American, Arab and European officials by pointedly refusing to back Palestinian statehood since taking office on March 31. In his own speech to Aipac, sent via satellite link, he said: We are prepared to resume peace negotiations without any delay and without any preconditions the sooner the better. Saeb Erekat, the senior Palestinian negotiator, however, criticised Mr Netanyahus speech for its vagueness on core issues such as the status of Jerusalem and refugees, as well as its failure to commit to a two-state solution.

Aipac has demonstrated that it and Israel still exercise considerable muscle in Washington by persuading the US Justice Department last week to abandon the prosecution of two former employees on charges that they spied on America for Israel.

Aipacs 6,000 delegates are being urged to bombard Capitol Hill with demands that Congress support ever more draconian sanctions against Iran whose Government has threatened to wipe Israel off the face of the map.

Mr Biden used his speech to reiterate that the US would never abandon its commitment to Israels security and that nothing is off the table with Iran a phrase often used to imply that military action against uranium enrichment facilities remains possible.

He added that Israel had the right to make its own judgment about what it needs to do to defend itself, which many members of the audience saw as a hint that the US might allow it to deliver an airstrike against Irans nuclear sites.

Rahm Emanuel, the White House Chief of Staff, was, however, reported to have linked efforts to thwart Irans nuclear programme the number one threat in the Middle East with progress in the peace process.

He told a private meeting of Aipac donors that the task of building an international coalition against Tehran will be made easier if Israel and the Palestinians hold a constructive dialogue.

Last month, Hillary Clinton, the US Secretary of State, warned Israel that it risks losing Arab support for combating threats from Iran if it rejects peace negotiations with the Palestinians.

General James Jones, Mr Obamas National Security Adviser, is also said to have told a European foreign minister that unlike the Bush Administration the White House was now ready to be forceful with Israel.

The new Administration will convince Israel to compromise on the Palestinian question, General Jones was reported to have written in a confidential telegramme. We will not push Israel under the wheels of a bus, but we will be more forceful toward Israel than we have been under Bush. General Jones is due to travel to London next week for talks with British officials and Mr Netanyahus security adviser, Uzi Arad.

President Ahmadinejad of Iran was today meeting the heads of ten hard-line Palestinian groups including Hamas on a visit to Syria, sending what one of the leaders said would be a message to the new right-wing Israeli Government.

The Iranian leader arrived in the afternoon and went to the Peoples Palace in Damascus, where he was given a red-carpet welcome by President Assad followed by a closed-door meeting.

Lovely.

Palestinian Arab "leadership" (if you can use that term) continues to give its children textbooks with maps that show no Israel at all.  Not even one square inch.  This is true of both factions:  hamas (which is dedicated in writing to the destruction of Israel and death of its Jews), and fatah (which is just as dedicated, but marginally less overt about it).

Further, Palestinian Arab "leadership" glorifies "shahid" (martyrdom) - i.e. people who blow themselves up to kill Jews - by naming plazas, even sporting events, after them.  It teaches children that Jews are the descendents of apes, monkeys and pigs.  Its television programming relentlessly attacks and defames Jews - especially its children's programming.  It has declared that the sale of any land by any Palestinian Arab to any Jew is punishable by death (one such execution was carried out just this past week).

But Palestinian Arabs are not the problem.  Israel is the problem.

Why?  Because Israel thinks twice about handing additional land to the Palestinian Arabs who want it obliterated.

Regarding our esteemed Vice President:  I know it is useless to ask jackass joe biden a serious question.  But, if it could be done, I would love to hear his explanation of why this is "Palestinian Territory". 

Gaza and Judea/Samaria (the west bank) have been described as "Palestinian Territory" so many times over the years that a lot of people second-naturedly assume it is factual.  But the last time I checked, neither Gaza nor the west bank is sovereign to anyone; neither is a recognized nation.  Therefore the land is no more "Palestinian Arab" than it is Jewish or Christian or Buddhist or Irish or Italian.  And it should be just as available to Jews (or anyone else) as it is to Palestinian Arabs.

Should we be troubled that a Vice President of the United States doesn't know better?  That he thinks Gaza and the west bank are owned solely by Palestinian Arabs and it is ok to remove Jews from them (in other words, "ethnically cleanse" the Jews - just like Hitler did in Germany as a prelude to killing them)?  Yes, absolutely.

But, then again, this is jackass joe:  the guy who didn't even know the job description or constitutional duties of the Vice Presidency when he debated Sarah Palin.  The guy who puts his foot in his mouth almost every time he opens it.  So what do you expect? 

Hillary Clinton, by contrast, is not ignorant.  She is just dishonest, devious and amoral, thus perfectly willing to be a pal to Israel yesterday, turn on it today, and be one, the other or some third thing tomorrow.

Rahm Emanuel is not ignorant either.  Moreover, he is Jewish and has significant family ties to Israel.  Did he really threaten that the USA would leave Iran to their tender mercies with nuclear weapons unless Israel does what the Obama administration dictates?  Does he think that using a nuclear threat as blackmail is good policy?  Does he think that a two-state "solution" with hamas and fatah, as they are currently constituted, can realistically result in peaceful coexistence?  I know he knows better.

So who is the ringmaster of this circus?  Who does the "policy" of making demands and threatening Israel (with no such demands or threats aimed at Palestinian Arabs) emanate from? 

President Obama, that's who.

According to the exit polls, 78% of Jews voted for Barack Obama last November.  Presumably, most of them support Israel.  I hope they're happy with what they got. 

Speaking as one of the other 22%, I can assure you I am not.


SPECTERMINATION (CONT.)

Ken Berwitz

From the Washington Post, via www.sweetness-light.com, we have this little tidbit:

Specter Loses Seniority On Committees

May 6th, 2009 From a bemused Washington Post:

Party Switch Costs Specter His Seniority on Senate Committees

By Paul Kane
Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Senate last night stripped Sen. Arlen Specter (Pa.) of his seniority on committees, a week after the 29-year veteran of the chamber quit the Republican Party to join the Democrats.

In announcing his move across the aisle last week, Specter asserted that Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) had assured him he would retain his seniority in the Senate and on the five committees on which he serves. Specters tenure ranked him ahead of all but seven Democrats.

Instead, though, on a voice vote last night, the Senate approved a resolution that made Specter the most junior Democrat on four committees for the remainder of this Congress. (He will rank second from last on the fifth, the Special Committee on Aging.) Reid himself read the resolution on the Senate floor, underscoring the reversal.

Democrats have suggested that they will consider revisiting Specters seniority claim at the committee level only after next years midterm elections.

"This is all going to be negotiated next Congress," Jim Manley, a Reid spokesman, said last night.

Specters office declined to comment

Gosh, this is sad.

So sad we cant stop laughing.

In announcing his move across the aisle last week, Specter asserted that Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) had assured him he would retain his seniority in the Senate and on the five committees on which he serves.

Mr. Specter believed Harry Reid?

Still laughing

God, what a boob he turned out to be.


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